I moved to Germany from the US with 4 children. Here I have much more time for myself.

• Celia Robbins moved to Berlin with her family after her husband got a job in Germany.

• Robbins, 37, was surprised to see how independent children in Berlin were.

• She said she has learned to let go of her parents’ fear and give her children more independence.

This as told essay is based on a conversation with Celia Robbins, an American who moved to Berlin with her family. She works at the Embassy of the United States of America in Berlin. The following has been edited for length and clarity.

My family of six lived in the college town of Ithaca, New York and was used to seeing people leave. In October 2022, my husband completed his postdoc at Cornell University and landed his dream job at a research center in Rostock, Germany. Finally it was our turn for a new experience. We were excited.

This was an opportunity for us to live abroad with our four children – the oldest is now 15, our twins are 12 and our youngest is 9. Since none of them had gone to high school, we thought this was the perfect stage for us was to move.

Last year the children and I moved to Berlin so they could go to international school. My husband commutes to Rostock – a two-hour train ride — a few days a week and returns every weekend.

Back in the US, I had cared for my children by helicopter, with great control over every aspect of their lives.

I was tied to my children’s schedule in the US

I spent about two hours in the car every day, driving my kids to school or a long list of extracurricular activities. My husband and I were juggling a lot of balls and struggling to meet our schedules because kids relied on us to take them everywhere.

But here in Berlin, children are expected to sort out their own things and get in their place.

I’m no longer dependent on their schedules, largely thanks to Berlin’s public transport system – we don’t even have a car here.

If my kids want to do an extracurricular activity, they do it themselves. So if someone is ambitious and wants to pick five, that’s fine because it’s up to them. They are responsible for their own activities and will let us know when they are heading out for their Model UN meeting or band practice.

In the US I also gave some advice and wrote courses. Now I have much more freedom and I got a full-time job at the American Embassy.

I let my children be independent

Although I always felt safe in our city in New York, in Berlin, it feels safer for my children to be out on their own.

A year ago, I wouldn’t have approved of my 9-year-old coming home alone. But because it’s normal for other kids their age to control themselves, I’ve seen what kids are capable of. So that fear has been put to rest.

There is a sense of community here that looks out for children. The children here are expected to be a bit more independent, so it is not unusual to see them alone.

The adjustment period was tough

For the first few weeks, I was one of the few mothers who picked up and dropped off the children at school. There was another American mother, and when she stopped, my children said, “Please stop, Mom.” Once I stopped, I felt a sense of peace; they would be fine.

In the US, when my children left their musical instruments at home and took cello lessons, I would get a call from the school secretary asking me to bring them in. But the school in Berlin said: “We won’t call you. That is your child’s responsibility.”

Although I was a little shocked, it has taught both me and my children that they are capable of more than we thought.

I am proud of my children because they have become more independent

Sometimes I long for a little more control. But I am so grateful for every child my children have become friends with.

Children are the best teachers for other children. My children watch their friends and learn to live a life where they are much more responsible for their choices and decisions.

Recently my son left his lunch at home. Before, I would have panicked when I saw his lunch box was still on the counter and thought, “Oh my god, he hasn’t eaten today.” But later that day, he told me that after realizing he had forgotten his lunch, a friend said, “Let’s just go buy you a pretzel,” and they came up with a solution.

It’s been weird for me. I still want my kids to need me in some ways, but our relationship has changed so much that it’s less of a mental burden for me to remember so much. Now they are expected to be responsible for things.

I have learned to let go of my control and my parental fear

Maybe my children are getting older too. But now it has become a relationship in which they can give me a lot as a parent.

I have been sick and recently hospitalized. My husband texted our kids to ask if one of them could grab milk on the way home and help with other errands. And they did.

That has changed me as a parent, because it has taken away the pressure to always be ‘on’. I used to never be able to have a sick day.

I get asked all the time, “Are you homesick?” And while I miss my mother and being able to call a doctor for an antibiotic, I don’t miss being in the US.

I’ve learned that home is where we are together, and for now, Berlin is home.

Do you have a story about moving abroad that you would like to share? Contact the reporter, Erin: [email protected].

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